Why do I reach out? Why aren’t I writing this thought into a piece of paper to hide away or a Word document to save on my desktop? I would like to live in a way that I am only doing things that are necessary, or rather not spending my time doing anything that I could live without. Creative expression, I’ve learned, is a necessity for me, but up until the past year or so any and all of my work has been very private. In saying that, I realize that my focus on socialization has crescendoed throughout my life–going from needing little to none and swelling to a full-on attempt to live socially 24 hours a day. Still I had never needed much for sharing, or at least convinced myself of that while battling with my crippling insecurity and the belief that if you say or think any bad feelings or thoughts, the devil will know and manifest those things in your life.
So I have learned that sharing is a necessity to a certain extent. The extremely social life nearly killed me, however, so I had to shave my head and reset. I’ve been crescendoing out of my hermit reclusiveness and trying to merge my emotional and logical sides into one, but with much more finesse and care than in the past. I realize that my life is better when I stay relaxed. When I say relaxed I mean not “needing” a cigarette to pass the time any more or any other vice that I no longer feel I want to do. I understand the nature of addiction is just trying to feel different than you are, but if you have found your contentment, you can consciously phase out your addictions. Human nature and insecurity can lead me back to my old ways, at times, but I no longer punish myself for momentary trysts with being human. If I catch myself, I try to slow down. Any time I get in too much of a hurry, the universe lets me know.