Each person is weird or unique or special or another word that means the same things as these words, but am I actually weird? The kind of weird that doesn’t easily and consistently socialize? The kind of weird that doesn’t pick up on subtle human gestures of intent? The kind that sometimes obliviously misjudges the feelings of others around me? Can I only see the picture when I am outside of it? Or do we all feel like we are so weird beyond another person’s understanding? Is it just me? Or me and some others? Or is it everybody?
If I am aware of the sociopathic tendencies that I see in myself from time to time, does that exempt me from the label of sociopath? But just because I felt a way or did something at a certain point in time does not mean that’s what I am forever, so I give myself and anyone else full and permanent exemption from that label. From any label for that matter.
What a word to be called… few are seen as a less desirable moniker. We have all exhibited sociopathic traits from time to time. I think we are born sociopaths and as time goes on, we learn how to not be what we are. We make up these labels to try to understand our feelings, but then we throw the word around as an insult and use it to hide behind our fears. That happens with a lot of words.
So, I am the one that is residing inside this body, wondering if it is my destiny to go this entire journey alone. This time around at least. The logical side of me is all right with this seeing as how I am much more productive and increasingly happier alone, but then my human side creeps in and asks what is it that I’m doing wrong.
I am hardly ever physically or sexually attracted to people. In the past four years, I have only developed feelings for people who don’t give me what I want. Is there some kind of inner block that is keeping me alone? Is it blocking me because I can only fulfill my destiny alone? I do get so distracted by love.
I am focusing on being more open and understanding, and I try to approach every interaction with another person in that way, however no one even seems like an option to me. People talk to me, are nice to me, et cetera, I talk back, I’m nice back, et cetera, but I never want anything more from the situation. I never want to give the wrong idea. I never want them to do anything for me that I would feel the urge to pay them back for. I nip the situation in the bud. Even when I try to date someone, I am very much trying. Trying to overlook things about that other person. Trying to talk myself into hanging out with them rather than staying in and doing my own thing.
I really hate trying, especially in a relationship. I can’t try to like someone. I do or don’t and it doesn’t happen very often. When I do, I don’t play games. When I don’t, I tell you not to talk to me, then I don’t talk back to you. I’m not going to let it suffer and linger — I know myself well enough to know that when I’m done, I’m done, and you will know it too.
Is that what relationships are? People trying so hard to be around each other? People lying to each other so they can do whatever they want while still having their human security blanket waiting in the wings? Why would you even want to be with someone if you felt like you could lie to them? Is your time of so little value to you that you would choose to spend it with someone who you don’t even care enough about to tell the truth to?
Trusting the process, I tell myself over and over, I’m trusting the process of life. Everywhere I go, I go based on my soul’s karmic path and I’m always led in the right direction. I want the things I can’t have because I am a child and a human, but I also don’t think I have to want someone just because they want me. And now we are back to square one. I have to stay away from the male Leos, I think that’s what the universe keeps telling me. Is that my lesson?
The Taurus in me is attracted to the fire of the Leo, and I’ve read that fire signs tend to attract earth signs in a subconscious bid to stabilize and center themselves. Aries, Leo and Sagittarius in fact are the fire signs, and I (an earth sign) have dated all three. Could be coincidental, but I don’t believe much in coincidences — it takes the fun and the lesson out of them.
My love is consuming in all regards to everyone involved. My lonely soul, I think, is better kept without a lover. Instead I need to learn true detachment and the ability to give and feel and live my warmth with everyone and everything. Trusting the process.