I came to Southern Illinois from Southern California just as I was. I have had a rough few years–this year especially–and was glad to feel like I was crossing the finish line triumphantly as my mother told me that she was really proud of me and ecstatic about my current being, in so many words… aside from not liking my leg hair. Hurray! Life goal achieved! I can disregard the leg hair aside, that one was a win. But the leg hair… oh, the leg hair would not be forgotten.
In the past my view of myself was “much too much meets never enough”. I was completely indulgent. I worked a good professional job as a TV producer and host and worked hard and a lot, did side work to push my career forward, while also having a bit of a fast night life of Southern California (riddled with boys, music, and too much more). I smoked like a chimney. I partied. I hung out with boys. And I mean no one my mother ever liked or met. I pushed myself hard all the time and made sure all my time was crammed full. I took Adderall that was prescribed to me, but definitely had the energy effect on me. I played in a band that practiced and played constantly. I had bleach blonde hair, all the make-up, all the clothes, I forced it, I forced it all. Finally I’ve let go and now I’m just letting myself be.
I’ve stopped doing anything that I have deemed unnecessary. Anything that I don’t want to do or don’t think about doing, I don’t do. I don’t think about shaving my legs. I haven’t for a few months. I didn’t think it was a big deal. It wasn’t in LA. It is in Southern Illinois, or at least in my parents’ house. I didn’t think it would be. I didn’t think about it much at all. But alas, reality bites.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family because everything has been going so good, but the leg hair seems to continue to be an issue. I have even been wearing pants in the summer heat simply so I don’t have to constantly to defend them. I just don’t want to shave my legs, I don’t like it right now, maybe someday I’ll want to, but I don’t want to right now. Please give me a break, I’ve been so fake and tried so hard for so long and was so worried about what everybody else was thinking about me the whole time, please just let me be real for awhile.