Hmmm

I’m having a hard time figuring out what it is that I want.  I keep doing things just to see what happens, but I don’t feel like I actually want anything except for a cigarette.  Maybe it’s my soul telling me to go buy a pack so I can tear myself away from the TV…

Freedom

I haven’t written in awhile because the moments recently have been too full.  There is more learning and new time than reflection time.  That is because I am, or have been, completely untethered and a little nervous but mostly grateful and hungry for more understanding.  For the first time in my life my mind is…

The Nature/Nurture Blur

We could all sit around and blame every single bad thing in our lives on parents… just like we could blame every single bad thing in our lives on anything.  Parents are an easy scapegoat.  We are all little versions of our parents after all, sometimes acting as avatars playing the part that mom or…

Speaking Softly And Slowing Down

I once had a co-worker who told me that my first instinct in any situation was to panic. I didn’t know what he meant–it was such a natural reaction that I could not see that I was the only person around me acting in such a manner. I was a bossy kid and that bled…

On God and Woman

I find the term feminism to be counterintuitive… I am equal beyond my gender because my gender is irrelevant. Your car is not better than my truck, your house is not better than my apartment, your male body is not better than my female body–they are different things. They are just things. They are not…

I Don’t Want To Shave My Legs

I came to Southern Illinois from Southern California just as I was. I have had a rough few years–this year especially–and was glad to feel like I was crossing the finish line triumphantly as my mother told me that she was really proud of me and ecstatic about my current being, in so many words……

Home Free Day 12

I decided to have a private getaway with my paintings before my cousins and I took to the road for our cross-country trip. I whisked my babies 40 miles east of the city into seclusion where we could spend some real quality time. With the exception of eating, sleeping and bathroom breaks–all I did was…

Home Free Day 8

Not long after my last blog post, I fell asleep in the front seat of my car in a mall parking lot. I wasn’t sure what the etiquette was of sleeping in your car in this mall parking lot — it did seem a bit swank and the structure was enclosed — but I was…

Home Free Day 4

Writing from the second floor of a bookstore in a mall in… Glendale maybe? I don’t know, I have been drifting around a bit today. I planned on being out of my apartment July 15, going home to Illinois on July 17 and probably staying at a friend’s place for the days in between. Instead,…

Recurring Abandonment Dreams

Last night I had another dream about being abandoned by the same person I have dreamed about being abandoned by for the past year and a half. This is the only person I can recall having abandonment dreams about. We were at a party and most of what I can remember is from me watching…

Nonrecreational Sex

I haven’t had sex since December 2016, so seven months. I’m currently tied for the longest break I have taken from it in the 11 years that I’ve been sexually active. Both times that I stopped have been because of a feeling. I started because of a thought and I didn’t understand what I was…

Something To Talk About

The more I talk to other people, the dumber and less necessary what I say becomes. It is a snowball effect. I start with an attempt to talk to other people. I learn that it is easy to speak negatively. I speak negatively. There is always something negative to talk about and it is so…

A Million Saviors

Freedom is a much more interesting and complex thing than I ever assumed it to be. I am so lucky to live in a place in which I can get past the physical or worldly understanding of freedom and turn my focus to spiritual freedom. I ponder all day long on larger than life ideas…

Those Who Cannot Teach, Do

We began our languorous journey into uncharted territory five years ago, at the age of 24. There is something very special about that age… I believe it to be the beginning of one’s spiritual awakening. It’s when I first started to feel the separation of mind, body and spirit. It terrified me. Some interpret this…

Am I The Weird One?

Each person is weird or unique or special or another word that means the same things as these words, but am I actually weird? The kind of weird that doesn’t easily and consistently socialize? The kind of weird that doesn’t pick up on subtle human gestures of intent? The kind that sometimes obliviously misjudges the…

Putting Regret To Use

Taking it easy in the ways of love. Letting each other be and be themselves and go where they want and with who they want, even when it’s not with you. Especially when it’s not with you. Trying to be friends and realizing even that is a two-way street. Filtering out the real from the…

The Missing Part Of Yourself

You speak to me as though you are completely sure that you are human. That that’s all you are and that’s all you ever have been, or maybe you have never even thought about it that way. But surely you have, because if I have, then why not you? Do we not all go through…

Feeling Romantic

I like the feeling of caring about someone I’m interested in romantically or, probably more truly, I like the idea of liking the feeling of caring about a romantic interest. I like the idea of liking the feeling of caring for a romantic interest too. I like to care about other people from afar, to imagine…

Humility For The Inner Child

Oh, teach me humility without the misconception of necessary self-deprecation. Teach me humility that doesn’t rely on others’ perception of the quality. Teach me humility that doesn’t rely on my own perception — a quiet humility that I don’t even notice. Teach me to be humble without knowing I’m humble. Sometimes I say things that…

To Conquer Death, You Only Have To Die

What a tizzy we have thrown ourselves into on the concept of death — and when I say concept, I mean concept. I believe that when you and I expire from our Earthly forms and our souls are working out where to go next on the universe’s eternal journey to know itself through every experience imaginable and…