The Nature/Nurture Blur

We could all sit around and blame every single bad thing in our lives on parents… just like we could blame every single bad thing in our lives on anything.  Parents are an easy scapegoat.  We are all little versions of our parents after all, sometimes acting as avatars playing the part that mom or…

Speaking Softly And Slowing Down

I once had a co-worker who told me that my first instinct in any situation was to panic. I didn’t know what he meant–it was such a natural reaction that I could not see that I was the only person around me acting in such a manner. I was a bossy kid and that bled…

Was Jesus A Feminist?

I find the term feminism to be counterintuitive in the first place… I am equal beyond my gender because my gender is irrelevant. Your car is not better than my truck, your house is not better than my apartment, your male body is not better than my female body–they are different things. They are just…

I Don’t Want To Shave My Legs

I came to Southern Illinois from Southern California just as I was. I have had a rough few years–this year especially–and was glad to feel like I was crossing the finish line triumphantly as my mother told me that she was really proud of me and ecstatic about my current being, in so many words……

Recurring Abandonment Dreams

Last night I had another dream about being abandoned by the same person I have dreamed about being abandoned by for the past year and a half. This is the only person I can recall having abandonment dreams about. We were at a party and most of what I can remember is from me watching…

Nonrecreational Sex

I haven’t had sex since December 2016, so seven months. I’m currently tied for the longest break I have taken from it in the 11 years that I’ve been sexually active. Both times that I stopped have been because of a feeling. I started because of a thought and I didn’t understand what I was…

A Million Saviors

Freedom is a much more interesting and complex thing than I ever assumed it to be. I am so lucky to live in a place in which I can get past the physical or worldly understanding of freedom and turn my focus to spiritual freedom. I ponder all day long on larger than life ideas…

Those Who Cannot Teach, Do

We began our languorous journey into uncharted territory five years ago, at the age of 24. There is something very special about that age… I believe it to be the beginning of one’s spiritual awakening. It’s when I first started to feel the separation of mind, body and spirit. It terrified me. Some interpret this…

Am I The Weird One?

Each person is weird or unique or special or another word that means the same things as these words, but am I actually weird? The kind of weird that doesn’t easily and consistently socialize? The kind of weird that doesn’t pick up on subtle human gestures of intent? The kind that sometimes obliviously misjudges the…

Putting Regret To Use

Taking it easy in the ways of love. Letting each other be and be themselves and go where they want and with who they want, even when it’s not with you. Especially when it’s not with you. Trying to be friends and realizing even that is a two-way street. Filtering out the real from the…

Feeling Romantic

I like the feeling of caring about someone I’m interested in romantically or, probably more truly, I like the idea of liking the feeling of caring about a romantic interest. I like the idea of liking the feeling of caring for a romantic interest too. I like to care about other people from afar, to imagine…

Humility For The Inner Child

Oh, teach me humility without the misconception of necessary self-deprecation. Teach me humility that doesn’t rely on others’ perception of the quality. Teach me humility that doesn’t rely on my own perception — a quiet humility that I don’t even notice. Teach me to be humble without knowing I’m humble. Sometimes I say things that…